By Guy Span, S.D.

What is it we all hate about phone trees? These ugly and time-consuming automated frustration systems have proliferated into every corner of business life, replacing live and randomly helpful people. Were they just designed by the congenitally stupid or worse, was it done on purpose? This curmudgeon occasionally has to use phone trees and has a few observations. Take the Alameda-Oakland “ferry phone.” Let’s say you want to use the weekday service from Alameda to the City. And since it’s now 1:30 pm, you aren’t sure of the times. Not having a handy (and sometimes apocryphal) Bay Crossings guide, or a schedule, you try the “ferry phone.” Unwittingly, you will find yourself sucked into the dark side and land smack dab in phone tree hell. It starts temptingly enough with a greeting that indicates you will get the information you want easily and it goes exactly like this:
“Welcome to the Alameda Oakland Ferry information line. This message provides schedules for Alameda, Oakland, and San Francisco. You may also wish to visit our web site at eastbayferry.com. (IF THERE WERE A COMPUTER HANDY WOULD I BE CALLING?) Once again, that address is eastbayferry.com. (SIGH.) You may repeat this message at any time by pressing the number six. (I REALLY DON’T WANT TO.) Please note that there is no ferry service on Presidents’ Day, Monday, February 16. Our regular weekday service resumes on Tuesday, February 17. (UNLESS THE WORLD COMES TO AN END.) Also please note that there is no weekend service in January or February. Weekend service resumes on Saturday, March 6. Finally, (AT LAST!) please note that ferry tickets are purchased on board the ferry. (THAT WAS HELPFUL.) And now for our schedules: For the Oakland-San Francisco schedule on weekdays Monday through Friday, please press four now. Once again, (NO, DON’T REPEAT IT. PLEASE.) for the Oakland-San Francisco weekday schedules, please press four now. For the Alameda-San Francisco weekday schedule, please press two now. (FINALLY, WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR.) Once again, for the schedule between Alameda and San Francisco, Monday through Friday, please press two now. If you have a rotary phone, …” and it natters on.

Note how frustratingly long it takes to actually squeeze some real information out of this. By the time you get to press a button to get closer to where you wish to be, the “ferry phone” has managed to waste a whole bunch of your time and elevated your blood pressure. This curmudgeon offers a much more sensible approach:
Greeting: None. Why is that? Well, if the idiots got the wrong number, they aren’t your customers and you don’t care what they think. If they got there on purpose, then they want to know something. The phone tree should speed them on the way, not by nattering on for MINUTES about stuff the caller either knows or doesn’t care about or would be willing to find out after the more important information is delivered, i.e., when does the stinking ferry leave Alameda?

The curmudgeon offers this revised phone tree and opens with a Temporary Greeting: “Please note that there is no ferry service on Presidents’ Day, Monday, February 16.” Then he cuts out all the crap and proceeds right to schedule choices: “For Oakland-San Francisco weekday schedules, press four. For Alameda, press two. Note there is no weekend service in January and February. For weekend service on March 6 and later from Oakland, press three and for weekend service from Alameda, press five. For reverse schedules from San Francisco, press eight. Please note that tickets are purchased on board. To repeat this message, press six at any time. If you are a hopeless Luddite and have a rotary phone but failed to buy a tone generator and can’t whistle, you may call Blue & Gold Fleet during regular business hours. If you are lonely and want to hear the sound of my voice with the latest ferry news, press nine now. Thank you for calling the Alameda-Oakland Ferry service.”

With this arrangement, all the nonsense comes after the phone tree choices, not before. Thus, people who already know what they want can get on with their lives, which is a sensible way to treat one’s customers. Those new to the service can continue to listen for more information. This same thinking should be applied to the next level of the tree.

Pressing on with the “ferry phone,” it’s time to select two, for the Alameda schedules. This moves you closer to the information you want, but you get another useless, stinking greeting: “This message provides the weekday Alameda-San Francisco schedule. (YES I KNOW. I PRESSED THE BUTTON.) You may repeat this message at any time by pressing the number one (ARGH!) or you may return to the main menu by pressing the number two. (BEATING HEAD AGAINST THE WALL MAKES A RYTHMIC COUNTERPOINT.) Departures from Alameda to the San Francisco Ferry Building (WHERE ELESE WOULD IT GO?) are at: 6:10, 7:15, 8:20, 9:25 and 10:50 am and 12:35 pm 2:20…” (AT LAST! GOT IT. BLESSED RELIEF.) Information achieved, time to hang up with a vengeance. Phone Tree Hell. Thank you, Alameda- Oakland ferry.

Now in fairness, we must point out that the Alameda-Oakland Ferry only makes it to the 5th Circle of Phone Tree Hell. As bad as it is, the ferry service’s phone tree can’t hold a candle to PG&E (which holds court in the 9th Circle), and they are just intentionally malicious.

For this truly sadistic experience, let’s pretend that your PG&E bill is a little late. So you make the mistake of calling them to see if you can provide a timely payment over the phone during the weekend (the drop box at their office notes that processing may take two business days). So you call the number on your bill.

Typical useless greeting: “Welcome to Pacific Gas and Electric Company. We’re here to serve you. (THEY ARE LYING.) If you are calling to update your phone number, press one. For all other services, press two.”

Two is pressed. “For billing, payment, and other financial assistance options, press one.” (NOTE THAT RIGHT AT THE SECOND STEP THEY ARE OFFERING PAYMENT OPTIONS. THIS IS A TEASE, AS THEY HAVE NO INENTION OF LETTING YOU PAY YOUR BILL.)
The sucker continues by pressing one and hears: “To help you further (THIRD LIE.), we now need to identify your account.” (STILL BEING DISENGENUOUS. THEY DON’T ACTUALLY INTEND TO USE THIS INFORMATION.) Then they offer to identify your account by either having you enter your telephone number or your ten-digit billing number. Insidiously enough, if you fall for the billing number, you find it is ELEVEN digits, requiring lots of repeated tries. Eventually trying the phone number generates Nintendo-like, the next action–adventure level.

After that, they shabbily put you through more contortions. They confirm your street address (“Press one if this is correct.”) and unbelievably they then want you to submit the last four digits of the social security number that opened the account. It ends up being one hell of a lot of time-consuming entries, with multiple opportunities for error so you get to reenter the data before advancing to the next level. PG&E clearly hopes that you’ll never bother them again.

So what happens to the persistent? You finally finish dancing with the phone tree from the 9th Circle of Hell and then the recorded voice asks you to wait. And so after three more blood-pressure building minutes pass, finally the polite voice of a live person comes on the line. “How may I help you?”
Curmudgeon: “I would like to pay my bill.” PG&E: “Ooh… You can’t do that here. You have to call this other 800 number and they can handle that. You see, we have this outside service that charges $2.95 for bill payment…”